2011: My Year in Review

I thought that It might be cool to go back through the months and point out the significant events that occured throughout the year. Some are good and some are bad... But overall it was an alright year.

The biggest achievement of the year was to get through the 1st year of Marriage. It was a difficult year and I can honestly say that as of December 31st, My husband and I are making changes and have been the past couple months to ensure that we have a long lasting and healthy marriage.

The biggest challenge this year has been infertility, as of December 28th I am on cycle 18 of trying. I have watched my three friends get pregnant, give birth and celebrate their children's first birthdays. I have spent most of the nights crying myself to sleep only wishing that the cries of a newborn would be keeping me up. I am hoping that 2012 will be my year.

January:

• Had the opportunity to see Buddy (The Cake Boss) Live
• Celebrated the Birth of Alessandra (My Second Cousin)
• Rescued a Cat
• Chloe got Really Sick, We had to pump her full of Benedryl.

February:

• celebrated 6 months of Marriage and 7 years of being together
• went to a London Knights Game

March:

• Celebrated Mark's 26th Birthday with Kinect

April:

• Celebrated Easter with the Kids that I work with
• Watched Mark's Cousin in Seusical the Musical

May:

• Celebrated the Wedding of Daryl and Stacey
• Started to Landscape our Garden for the first time
• Celebrated Victoria Day at Fanshawe Pioneer Village with the Vintage Baseball Team
• Celebrated the 1st Birthday of my 'nephew' Caidan
• Celebrated the Graduation of Mark's Sister from University

June:

• Celebrated the Wedding of Mark's Uncle Rick
• Built the pond in our back yard.

July:

• Celebrated Canada Day at the Braggs and then went to Michigan for the 4th of July
• Celebrated my 26th Birthday
• Enjoyed a Picnic with all our friends.

August:

• Mourned the loss of a cousin that drowned in the Trenton Canal.
• Built our new bedroom upstairs
• Celebrated our first Anniversary in Niagara Falls
• Started looking into Fertility Treatments since trying for one year with no luck.

September:

• Celebrated the 1st Birthday of Evander
• Began Fertility Treatment.

October:

• The Start of a very beautiful friendship with my two awesome coworkers
• The Cards won the world series
• Got my Playbook

November:

• Fell in Love with the song Sexy and I know it.
• The New Hospital in Our City opened their doors for the first time

December:

• Celebrated many Christamas'
• Went to see Marks cousin in the Children of Eden
• Finally got my first anniversary card!

What a boring day....

It is CD 29 for me...... according to monthlyinfo.com I should of had a visit from AF yesterday. But that is them figuring out my average cycle length for the past two years. Had I just finished my 4th cycle of Clomid things might change so I have no clue when to expect her. My first cycle on Clomid was 26 days, the second 29 and the last one 28. So If she doesn't come by the 31st I am going to be testing and praying for a miracle.

Christmas was actually pretty good. It kept me busy and not thinking about ttc all that much. BUT at times it did get a little difficult as I would sit and watch family conversing thinking that last year I thought this year I would be tending to a baby.. I would  trail off and actually picture my self holding a baby, bouncing and ssshing. Then I would have to get up and leave and shed a few tears. Some of you may not approve of my Christmas events... I chose to drink... I am not knowingly pregnant and I am tired of putting my life on hold for the past 18 months thinking what if i am pregnant... So I drank, I had a few beers here and there and not to mention my yummy sweedish berry martini that took me back to the very first date. But I think some of the drinking was to prevent anyone from asking if I was pregnant yet. Boy did I ever avoid that question.

One of my moments of weakness was my husband and I were chattering back and forth... I mentioned if you could just pump out at least one child for me then I would be okay and he retaliated by saying well if you could produce a child for me then you'd leave me alone....  I couldn't get upset because I started it...  I just walked away and was proud that I didn't start an argument

Onto New Years.....

The Wait Continues

So I found out at the end of September that my bff is unexpectedly expecting number 2. I found out via Facebook... GEEZ... Was I ever upset. It wasn't her post but her mother in laws but still I was the first one to find out before everyone with her first so it was rather upsetting to find out that I was basically the last to know this time. I got over it when she told me. However when she told me her reasoning I was beyond floored...... " I didn't know how to tell you". Me being her best friend I was hurt. I thought she knew me better then that... I am beyond thrilled for her.  Anyway found out friday that she is having a girl. So she has the millon dollar family. I can't wait to but all these little girl clothes.

On To Me.....

They increased the dosage this month from 50mg of Clomid to 100mg. I am now required to do monitoring to ensure that I am not producing to many follicles. I found out yesterday that there is a possibility that two eggs are going to be released. All that means is that chances of twins increase if I do get pregnant. My arms look like hell, bruising and such from all the needles for blood work. I will get through this I will.

I am not loosing hope evening though the things people have said to me that just hurt
"Just relax it will happen"
"Stop trying, Then it will happen"
"Have Faith"

I have been doing alot of day dreaming lately about how my life will change once a baby is here. I cry at the fact that it hasn't happened  yet but I am definitly looking forward to the future.

I will continue my rant tomorrow.. I just wanted to get on here because BK reminded me!!! <3

The Power of the Praying Wife Meeting 2

I was unable to attend this meeting due to being at work. But the woman that was heading the group was ever so greatful to send the questions.

1. List the top 10 priorities in your life. These are the things that occupy your time, attention, and energy, such as children, work, friends, church, activities, and so on. In this list, where does your relationship with your husband fall? What does this list reveal to you about your priorities?

My Marriage, Having Children, My Family, My Pets, My Work, My friends, My Gym Activities, Clean House, My Myself, Church
My Husband is the first one on the list.  I am always working hard to maintain a healthy marriage. There was a point where I thought for sure that it was not going to survive. I joined this group and I think that it really helped keep it clear that My marriage and husband are the most important things in my life. I noticed about my list that everyone falls before myself. I feel that maybe I spend to much time worrying about others that maybe my relationship with my husband is effected.

2. Read 1 Cor 10:24. In what ways could you seek your husband’s wellbeing over your own?

I already spend much of mytime thinking about my husband and what i could do for him. I often will make him dinner, I will drop everything to come see him at work if he is having a bad day. This past weekend I took him to the Steamwhiste Brewery and he was really happy.

3. Read James 1:12 in your bible and underline it. If you sense that another person is becoming a temptation to your husband, pray for this individual to be taken out of your husband’s life. Whether something like this has happened to him or not, write this scripture as a prayer over your husband, substituting his name for “the man” and for all pronouns.

I don't feel as though there is someone else that is becoming a  temptation to my husband at all.

4. Read 1 Cor 2:16. Write out this verse as a prayer over your husband to help him bring every thought under God’s control

For, "Who can know the LORD's thoughts? Who knows enough to teach him?" But we understand these things, for we have the mind of Christ.

The power of the Praying Wife Meeting 1 Part 2

4. Do you believe in Gods ability to heal wound? To renew love in your heart? To restore your marriage relationship to all it should be? Why or Why Not?

I really do believe in God's ability to heal a wound. I find myself often praying for help to make me feel better when I am blue and to look on the bright side. Often praying works. I prayed to renew love in my heart towards my family members and to this day I have love for my family which I didn't at a point in time. I think that if I pray enough for myself and for my husband it would restore my marriage to all that it should be infact it is working right now. My husband and I hit a rough patch and now after praying it is slowly coming back.

5. Read Matthew 12:23 Is there any issue over which you and your husband are seriously divided how do you feel about it?

My husband is very easy going. I on the other hand need to have things a certain way. If they are not I become very agitated and stressed out. It causes a lot of tension within our marriage and we struggle to find common grounds.

6. Read Galatians 5:22,23.  Do you have any habitually negative way of responding to your husband that need to be changed ? What are these? Ask God to give you the revelation about this. Then write down next to thm which fruit of the spirit you need in order to eliminate the negative mindset and habits of response.

The negative way that I respond to my husband is yelling. No matter how big or little the issue is I always respond with yelling. I really need the fruit of self control. I feel that if I eat this fruit of spirit then I will be abe to eliminate this negative response and my husband and I would have a better relationship.

7. Read Proverbs 21:19. Are there any issues in your marriage where  you find yourself registering the same complaint or criticism over and over again? List Those. Write a prayer asking God to show you when to speak about each matter and when to just keep silent and pray.

I always complain that he doesn't clean up after himself and that he doesn't help around the house. It is a constant battle and I always all him out on it. Sometimes I need to just keep quiet because I know that he will eventually do it.

 Prayer:
Heavenly Father, I know that I too have faults that are not easily changed. I am praying that you show me what is important and not important when having a disagreement with my husband. Show me what matters most and when to bring up the issue that I am having or when to leave it be and carry on with my life. I trust that you will show me and better my relationship with my husband.
Amen


8. Do you ever feel like you don't want to pray for your husband? Explain why. Write a prayer asking God to help you desire to pray for God's best to be poured out on your husband. (this may be a prayer you have to pray every day for a whiles, so don't worry if you haven't sensed and immediate answer.

I don't want to pray for my husband alot of the time because he is a non-believer. He is a self proclaimed athiest. I feel that it is a waste of time as it would never do any good for him.

Prayer:
Heavenly Father, I am praying to you to assist me in wanting to pray for husband. To give me the strength to pray and continue praying even though it feels like a waste of time. To believe that one day he will be able to see the light and have faith.
Amen

9. Tell your husband that you are going to pray for him eery day in a new and positive way, and ask him to share with you any prayer requests he has. Write down his reaction and prayer requests.

I told husband as soon as I got home that I was going to pray for him daily. His responses didn't surprise me. "oh Fuck Why?" so with that being said he doesn't have prayer requests.

5 days worth of boodwork and 3 trans vag ultrasounds....

and I finally had a surge!!!

This was my chart for the past 5 days! So the Doctors Prescription is to have sexual intercourse as much as I can in the next 36 hours!



The Power of the Praying Wife.

I have started reading this book from Stormie Omartian with some ladies from my church and we started a group so that when we read this we can discuss and relate it to our relationships with our husbands. I thought that I would write out my responses to the questions on our handouts on here.

1. Read Matthew 19: 3-6. Are there places in your marriage where you and your husband are not working as a team? List those areas. Write a prayer asking God to make you and your husband more unified in these areas.

Husband and I do not work together when it comes to household tasks and finances. It is always his and mine. It bothers me because I work just as hard as he does and I can't seem to get him to understand when I am the only one doing all the stuff around the house

My Prayer:
Heavenly father, I know that i am not perfect nor will I ever be, I know that my husband is not perfect nor will he ever be. I married him because he is perfect in my eyes. Although Lord, I pray that you will give him the strength to assist more around the house to help him learn the importance of a clean house. I pray that you give him light to understand the importance of saving money and how not only will it benefit him, but everyone.
Amen

2. God has given you the authority to take a stand against any negative influence in your marriage. Is there any area in your marriage where you see that the enemy has gained a strong hold. List.

The biggest negative influence in our marriage is my mom and stepfathers separation. They separated the October 2009 before our August 2010 marriage. It cause me a great deal of pain and a lot of stress and tension when you have both parties putting us in the middle.

3. Are there places in your marriage where you feel hopeless? List. Bring them before the Lord and confess your hopefulness. Remember, confession is not to make you feel condemned; it's to help you acknowledge your error before God so He can free you from it, and so the devil can't paralyze you with it. Write a prayer asking God to give you faith you need to beleive that He is your hope and will answer your prayers.

I feel that our differences are to great to hold a stong and loving marriage and feel like its going to cause us to drift apart.

My prayer:
Heavenly Father, Please give me the strength to see the greatness in our differences. See that our differences is what makes our marriage what it is and see that we came together because there was something you Lord saw in us that would work. Please Lord get rid of this feelig of hopelessness.
Amen



 To Be Continued.....

14 months Later... Nothing to Show

Well we are hitting our 14 months since we began trying. Who knew that I would witness my 2 friends babies being born and turning one, my bff's son turning one and her announcing her second pregnancy. AND my sil's engagement all while Husband and I are trying to make our dream come true.

I did my first round of Clomid on CD 3-7 @ 50mg in September. I went for blood work on CD 26 to see if I had ovulated. I went and got the results and they stated that my level for progesterone was only 2. It should of been 16. He said one of two things happened.

1. I didn't ovulate at all (gearing towards this)
2. I ovulated really early in my cycle

so he said I have 2 options or 3 if i wish.

1. I continue with my at home method, By taking Clomid but just increasing the medication to 100mg
2. I go in on CD 11 for bloodwork, and an internal ultrasound with cycle monitoring. Meaning I go in everyday until they find a surge and then go and have a "date" night.
3. Involves step two but an IUI as well. (cost 200 bucks)

I chose option 2. Reasoning is that it will tell me exactly what is going on in my cycle. If and when I am ovulating. It takes the guessing out since my bbt chart did jack all but give me false hope.

Today I went in with my husband to the clinic. It was an early morning and husband felt out of place because I had to strip down from the waist down and get up in stirrups and have this probe stuck up there. Mind you it was a weird feeling considering they put a condom on the end of it....  But the Techie told me that i am suppose to come back every other day to see what my follicles are doing... I was unaware of that, however it wasn't all that bad. 

The results from what I could see (not official):

There was plenty of Follicles in my right side ...3-4 measuring between 10-13 and one measuring 16. on my left there was one measuring about 10ish. My endo lining measured from what was on the screen 0.63cm

I go back tomorrow for blood work if they don't call today and definitely back on Saturday for the ultrasound.

Wish my luck and baby dust.

After a Year with No luck...

I called the Doctor to see what the next step was. He immediately refered me to SOFT. Which is a local fertility clinic that are just about concieving. On their site it explains within 6 weeks of your intial consultation you should have a plan/treatment.

I called at the end of July to my doctor, My consultation was the 5th of August. He sent me in for Cycle Day 3 blood work, hubby for a semen test and then a HSG. This all happened on the 17th of the month and we got the results back immediately. Everything is fine with me, Hubby has super sperm and nothing is blocked. My doctor is thinking that Im not ouvalting because my periods range from 26-30 days. So Next cycle I start 50mg of Clomid on cycle day 3-7. I am hoping that I will get pregant this month and don't have to worry about the clomid. We shall see its BD time starting tuesday :)

Cycle 8 Day 10 - Relaxing

My period was 7 days. Medium flow on day one, heavy day 2 and then spotting for the rest of the days. I am getting tired of this spotting crap. Its honestly pathetic....

Husband I are again going at it but this time I have relaxed a little big more then I have in previous months. I have finally told myself that I need to relax enjoy my freedom as a child free family for the time being as when we do have children we will no longer have that. We are planning our anniversary trip to go camping and our yearly tropical trip to Cuba at the end of October, early November. We have several Stag and Does to go to Next month and a Wedding to go to this month. So i am thinking about that and thinking about how much fun i am going to have so its making me focus less on baby making. Husband and I are BD almost every other day. Which hopefully will help nail it but i know with all this planning that it will happen only because i am getting all excited about vacation and trips.

I have developed a menu plan for myself because all the stress has caused me to regain pretty much all of the 75lbs I lost in 2008/2009. So i am trying to get back on Track. So far I think i am doing okay!!

Cycle 8 Day 3 - Its been a while

Hey everyone. To be honest I completely forgot about this blog. I really need to write in my blog because it is the only way to get my feelings out. Husband I are still trying but having no success. Each cycle it gets harder and harder and I am not sure how much longer I will be able to continue on this journey.

Last Cycle - I began it with a scare or so I thought. I noticed that my menstruation had a lot of clear stretchy cervical mucous in with it and It also started with spotting (so I thought it was implantation, got really excited and it was a day early) But i was wrong, it was a very odd period. I got scared, went to the Doctor finally after 7 or so Years. Talked to him about my situation. He explained everything looked normal and sent me for blood work, hormones, diabetes, thyroid and all that fun stuff and everything came back clean. Then he scheduled me in for a PAP I have ever had one before and I really didn't have a choice to decline because I was there at the doctors already and couldn't say I would come back. i am still waiting for the results but I heard that no news is good news. So my period ended and Husband and I BD every other morning during my entire fertile period. I used rePhresh as I think that some of the reason is my CM is to acidic killing off all the man stuff. I really thought this would be the month and sure enough right as scheduled the "witch came"

I was at work and was really disappointed. I am not sure if it is ever going to happen. I am starting to get frustrated and I really want to start the whole fertility specialist but here we have to wait a whole entire year in order to actually go to them. so I guess that means waiting another 4 months. Which August 1st I am going to be calling or evening in the middle of July. My bff told me she and her husband are going to start trying to conceive baby #2 in January of 2012 and it really looks like that my SIL and her boyfriend will be getting married in about a year and half or so and they are going to start trying right away.

I am going to try to take this month and focus on me and get in better shape, and spend time with my husband. I have to try to remember to take prenatal vitamins every day though!